As a parent–no actually–as a human being, I think it is almost impossible not to judge others. To accept everyone at face value and not compare yourself, your values or your goals to theirs. We seem to be hard-wired to judge. Utilizing this tactic as a sort of survival instinct. After reading these articles and posts, I started to feel guilty for doing what just happens to come naturally to most everyone. But then I started to dig deeper and I realized, it's not as cut and dry as we think.
I'm sure you have heard the old saying "first impressions"? The instant judgement that is formed upon initial encounter with another person. It's said, these first impressions can be nearly impossible to reverse or undo. And there have been hundreds of books and articles written on how to make a good one, whether on a job interview, a date, or any other social situation. However, what if you remind that person of someone they were not particularly fond of? Or what if you had a tattoo and that person had a predisposition to think that all people with tattoos were irresponsible? It wouldn't matter if you had meticulously followed the "Seven Steps to a Great First Impression" or not. The judgement would already be made. And it would be wrong right? And yet, this is a socially acceptable form of judgement.
I myself have been affected by this "first impression" theory by someone I have to see on a regular basis. I have spent years trying to overcome that initial judgement (which I am sure you can gather was not a good one). I'm yet to be successful and it's a painful experience.
Ultimately as human beings we are going to judge other people. We can't help it, its just in our nature. But what we can help, is whether we elect to share our judgments or to keep them private. Whether we openly defame another person or whether we choose to be introspective with our judgements. And this is where the lines get blurry.
There are many times when it's important to judge others. I know, that's a shocking statement, but such judgments help us discern good behavior from the bad. Take the snarky mom at the park chatting away on the phone and not paying attention to her child. Or the parent that decides that taking her child to a children's museum is "her time" away from the kids and doesn't feel that it is important to follow the rules or supervise her child. Or better yet, the parent that openly teaches his child to be racist or that it's okay to hit another child if he was hit first. Clearly this is not appropriate behavior. Especially when that behavior affects my child or someone else's. You better believe I will be passing judgement on those parents just as many others will. And for good reason. This goes far beyond a disagreement on parenting styles. Writing about these experiences opens up a dialog and brings topics like bullying or the perpetuation of racism to light.
As moms, as parents, we won't always agree with each other's choices. If we did, it would make for a pretty boring world. Some of us are going to breastfeed, some of us are not. Some of us are going to let our kids watch TV for more than an hour. We all have our own views on parenthood. Unfortunately there is no manual to let us know who is wrong and who is right. One thing is for certain, we need to support each other as a community of bright, creative, talented women. And as moms. I am always shocked when I see people hiding behind anonymous comments and passing judgments on these women who have opened up their lives and bared their souls, only to be judged on what they chosen to share. I'm always open to an opposing opinion, that's how we learn and grow– as long as it builds a positive dialog.
Coming full circle back to my sanctimonious post from Monday. Could I have done a better job of making my point without choosing to share my judgement of these other parents? Probably, and I will make a concerted effort to do so in the future. Do I still stand behind my convictions that I disagreed with their parenting style? Absolutely.
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